How To Be Homeless

As of today, I can confidently say that I am a semi-functioning, fairly responsible, well-on-my-way adult. I know how to boil water, I do my own laundry (and nails), and I have a full-time job that I have to wake up obscenely early for. However, adulthood notwithstanding, I still insist on acting like an absolute homeless person from every Friday at 5:00 pm to whenever I happen to wander my way home on Sundays, obviously in time for dinner.

Being that Long Valley sucks, I make my way to (anywhere else in the world) each weekend, relying on cheap food, draft beer, sleeping bags in the trunk of my car, and the extreme generosity of my poor friends to make my way through this three day nonsense fest. Luckily for you, dear reader, I’m about to share with you how to make your time on the road as easy as a casual day at home.

1. Sing for your supper. Literally? Well, you can if you want to, but if the sound of your voice makes dogs cry, then I more mean along the lines of making it worth the while for your friends. Yes, they love you– they’ve been with you in the good times and the bad, the sober and the not-so-sober. However, even still, your hapless body on their couch drinking all their soda isn’t the most pleasant of sights. So, do what you can to help them out. Offer to drive, insist on paying for their drinks, tidy up their room while they’re in the shower. Don’t take the fact that you’re technically a “guest” for granted– guestdom doesn’t exist until one of you actually has money. In the meantime, you’re a good-for-nothing freeloader, and remember that and act accordingly. Be the one who leaves their living room cleaner than you found it.

2. Make their friends your friends. There’s one thing I can say for certain – the person who stands in the corner sipping on a Ginger Ale is never the person invited back for a second visit. Your friends may love you, but they don’t want to babysit you. They don’t want to be the one who has to entertain you. Even if they, or the night, isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, pretend you have been best friends with their friends for years. Be chatty, ask questions, and be friendly. Remember that unlike people you meet at school or at work, this is your one shot ever to win someone over that you probably won’t ever see again, but your own interaction with them will prove a lot to your friends who don’t want to be the one feeling guilty because you’re off moping on the other side of the bar.

3. Don’t just hand over your dollars. When on the road, it’s easy to drop money on stupid stuff because you feel like you’re on vacation. If you’re off every weekend like me, you’re probably not on vacation. This makes it imperative that you do not constantly splurge on nice food or constantly forget your toothbrush and have to buy new ones. So scope out that free beach, bring a couple snacks that can possibly work as small breakfasts, and for Christ’s sake bring water so you don’t have to keep buying those overpriced $2 bottles. A little extra planning pre-trip goes a long way.

4. Scope out free things. Once again, with a little extra planning, you would be shocked at how much free stuff you can snag. For example – this weekend, I casually walked by the beach patrol stand and sort of used the beach shower alongside brightly-dressed families on vacation as my daily shower. Nbd. Getting dressed in the car and doing your makeup in public bathrooms is all in a day’s work.

5. Don’t be afraid to get a little scummy. When living on the road, you can’t sweat the small stuff. Would you rather be changing in your room than in the backseat of your car in a crowded parking lot in broad daylight? Yeah, probably. But consider all your options, and when that’s your best bet, shrug it off and remember that we’ve seen it all anyway. Think logically, figure out who you can bug and where you can go to get what you need, then take it with a grain of salt and act confidently and unapologetically.

Living out your car isn’t the most glamourous of things. Your car quickly becomes full of garbage and sand, as well as every outfit you could possibly need, and you can often be found with your hair piled on top of your head and carrying a lot of bags. Scummy? Sometimes. Tiring? I would say so. But exciting? Always.


I don’t know why but I feel that this photo is very relevant

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